Blended Family Bump to Birth Advice Letter

I have two daughters, 9 and 5, the eldest of whom is not my husband’s. I have no complaints about his treatment of my eldest daughter at all and no real complaints about his family’s treatment of her. BUT I have noticed somethings that concern me.
While my in-laws always buy birthday presents for their actual granddaughter there is nothing for my eldest, so one year I invited them to a birthday for her. Two out of five of them turned up and did get her a nice present. Once in a while they will remember to bring something for my older daughter but the gifts are not as thoughtful as for the daughter i share with my husband. 
They are clearly not bad people but clearly don’t see her as family. 
My husband's brother is getting married. He and his wife asked if our younger daughter. the one biologically related to them - could be a flower girl. When I asked about my older daughter they said
"Well...kids aren't really invited." It's a child free wedding EXCEPT for the bridal party. I am so upset  I feel that if I make a fuss they will actually just outright say that she isn’t family.
 
Am I being unreasonable? Should she have been invited to this step- uncle's wedding? In my heart of hearts (not that I would tell anyone in real life,)I think she should have been asked to be a flower girl too! Im worried that she will feel left out and it could emotionally damage her for years to come. Should I even let my younger daughter be a flower girl? Please help
Posted by Azania Tuesday, July 23, 2019 7:14:00 AM

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Friday, August 9, 2019 1:52:47 PM
Leann
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re: Blended Family Bump to Birth Advice Letter

Your feeling are absolutely valid. Your intuition is picking up on those unspoken biases. I would not allow any discrimination to continue and, as a result, would not allow the youngest to be a part of the wedding party. I would calmly explain to them that you and your husband are raising 'both your children' in a fair environment, without favourites. You can choose to perhaps plan a playdate for both girls on that date so they get to have fun together. Do not allow any divisive conversation to occur with your youngest, such as someone going to her and gassing her up about being a flower girl. Your husband, especially, should let it be clear that it will not be tolerated.